It has been almost a month since i last posted anything on my blog. It is not because nothing has been happening to me but more like too many things has been going on that I do not know where to start.
I suppose the easiest is to start with the most recent happenings. My new semester officially started yesterday. A semester that I have been looking forward to for the whole semester (this is quite confusing). This semester is suppose to be the happy semester with only one class and one site visit per week. The rest of the time is meant for group projects. I had a few projects in mind and I have submitted my preferences a long time ago. But, yesterday when we were given our groups i was so disappointed and devastated. I dont really mind getting my last choice but it's the team members that bugged me. It has something to do with what was happening last semester. No need for details.
At first I thought I would be brave and give it a try. Everyone deserves a second chance right? Also, in real life you dont get to chose who u work with. Grass is always greener on the other side. Plus so far everything seems to be just fine. But I want to enjoy doing my group project and not spend the entire semester having to watch my back and defending myself, alone. So in the end I chickened out and asked for another project. After a lengthy discussion with the person in charge, I finally get to get myself out of the mess.
But now I feel bad as my original project has to be aborted and I know one of the group members is really keen on it. I know I should be happy now for getting what I want but I also feel bad for unloading my risk/problem onto someone else. Risk management someone told me. Great way of putting it. Another reason for me to feel bad is because I quit before even trying. I have never done that before and it does not feel good for now. So many challenges have been thrown in my way and I managed to handle them but this time round, i quit the challenge before it even begun. I should really be ashamed of myself. I have a feeling that I am stronger than this and insyaAllah will be able to get through the hurdle had i tried -not easily but i will get through it. But that's not in question now as I quit. I am a quitter!! But is it so wrong to be selfish every now and then and be happy?
Having written all these I dont feel as bad anymore. I deserve to be happy. No more sacrificing myself for others. I am just really sorry that my happiness has to be in the expense of other people's. I hope this will be the last time I have to be in this situation. I guess I should be proud that I have at last have the courage to fight for what I want rather than just accepting my fate as usual. I know I wouldnt have done it half a year ago. I think doing my masters has helped to improve me one way or another or has it not? I guess it is the right choice to come here after all.
Bottom line is I have made a decision and I am sticking with it this time. So I will just have to live with the consequences and hope for the best.
I suppose the easiest is to start with the most recent happenings. My new semester officially started yesterday. A semester that I have been looking forward to for the whole semester (this is quite confusing). This semester is suppose to be the happy semester with only one class and one site visit per week. The rest of the time is meant for group projects. I had a few projects in mind and I have submitted my preferences a long time ago. But, yesterday when we were given our groups i was so disappointed and devastated. I dont really mind getting my last choice but it's the team members that bugged me. It has something to do with what was happening last semester. No need for details.
At first I thought I would be brave and give it a try. Everyone deserves a second chance right? Also, in real life you dont get to chose who u work with. Grass is always greener on the other side. Plus so far everything seems to be just fine. But I want to enjoy doing my group project and not spend the entire semester having to watch my back and defending myself, alone. So in the end I chickened out and asked for another project. After a lengthy discussion with the person in charge, I finally get to get myself out of the mess.
But now I feel bad as my original project has to be aborted and I know one of the group members is really keen on it. I know I should be happy now for getting what I want but I also feel bad for unloading my risk/problem onto someone else. Risk management someone told me. Great way of putting it. Another reason for me to feel bad is because I quit before even trying. I have never done that before and it does not feel good for now. So many challenges have been thrown in my way and I managed to handle them but this time round, i quit the challenge before it even begun. I should really be ashamed of myself. I have a feeling that I am stronger than this and insyaAllah will be able to get through the hurdle had i tried -not easily but i will get through it. But that's not in question now as I quit. I am a quitter!! But is it so wrong to be selfish every now and then and be happy?
Having written all these I dont feel as bad anymore. I deserve to be happy. No more sacrificing myself for others. I am just really sorry that my happiness has to be in the expense of other people's. I hope this will be the last time I have to be in this situation. I guess I should be proud that I have at last have the courage to fight for what I want rather than just accepting my fate as usual. I know I wouldnt have done it half a year ago. I think doing my masters has helped to improve me one way or another or has it not? I guess it is the right choice to come here after all.
Bottom line is I have made a decision and I am sticking with it this time. So I will just have to live with the consequences and hope for the best.
2 comments:
Dear Aeni,
I think, you have made a wise and firm decision. It's pretty bad to have felt that way and I used to have that similar situation before - in a real working environment - and something related with project management as well. I'm glad you have expressed your stance to the person you meant. Or else, the similar thing will happen to you and other group members alike of the previous semester's case. I learned a BIG lesson from the last semester's group work: Even if I don't carry distinction, I felt a little bit of reserved when starting to generalise one's cultural identity, the attitude, upbringing and seriousness in doing things. So the lesson that I have learnt is - I have exercised 'risk management' - as you have done, and draw a line between friends and work. What more, in a diversified and culturally motivated group. Above all, don't blame yourself because it exceedingly displays your indirect firm leadership in the group whilst managing things. And, there is neither a retreat nor surrender in your case. Welcome semester two(2)! I pray the best for you. Insya' Allah, everything will be just fine.
Cheers
Thank you. Your words of encouragement really means a lot to me.
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